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| aespa are my ults and omg winter has been so so tiny since spicy era.. |
- melona bar (130kcal)
- coffee (0kcal)
- almond thin (100kcal)
- 2 drummettes (~180kcal)
net: 699kcal
weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4
≽^•༚• ྀི≼
um a lot happened today. okay so i hit 104.6 :) which was my old low weight so i'm really happy i'm back to being the skinniest i've ever been!!!!! i feel like i don't look bmi 16.4 though?? or bmi 16 at all. i guess it's because i don't really work out :S. i feel like only my legs look slightly slimmer but i'm hoping it's just dysmorphia.. i was gonna have just the thins for breakfast but my dad went shopping yesterday and brought avacados and spinach and he made himself an egg sandwich with them and looked really excited about it.. when i woke up he said he left them out for me and :(. so i was like okay and just made my lowish cal version with the avocado unfortunately which hiked up the cals by like 30.
i'm also starting to genuinely feel anorexic... like i seriously fear food now :/ when deciding what i want i keep checking the calories and i get stressed when i forget or can't weigh something. i wanted to try and omad the egg wrap but obviously that didn't work bc life hates me!
i was halfway through a shower when i started to feel dizzy, i ignored it until i was literally about to pass out. i thought it was the heat so i made the water colder and then i FELL over??? i felt like i was suffocating and still had that feeling i was about to pass out so i crawled out of the shower and sat on the floor besides the bathroom door, i opened it a crack and started opening and closing it (using it as like a fan almost?) to cool myself down. i thought i was good so i got up to finish my shower because i still needed to wash the conditioner out of my hair but i felt faint as soon as i stood up again so i sat back down and i was on the floor for what felt like forever. i asked my sister to bring me my water bottle which helped a little but it took me like 30 minutes to feel okay. after that i had to finish my shower as a bath bc i literally could not stand up :/ when i wanted to rinse myself i got up and was so wobbly. i was so scared the entire time, i checked my watch and my heart rate doubled too omg i was doing everything i could to avoid fainting because i knew if i went to a hospital they might send me to ip and undo all my progress.. just when i re-hit my lw. like NO THANKS! i've felt weak for the rest of the day but i've been able to walk around and do stuff. omg after i got out i got into a giant fight with my sister and she kicked me in the stomach which almost knocked me out considering i almost FAINTED 30 minutes earlier.. this was like the first time we've ever physically fought. and it was not fair because she takes taekwondo and goes to the gym while i'm stick limbed with zero pain tolerance. she's literally sick in the head the argument was so stupid i don't even feel like going over it. done talking about her fatass i hope something awful happens to her.
anyways me nearly fainting in the shower is why i didn't do omad. i'm guessing it's because of my low intake for the past 2 days so i had a melona bar since it's big-ish and not too high cal. then i had coffee because i was still craving something and wanted to kill my appetite but that didn't work and the coffee was fawking disgusting and got cold quickly so i drained it.. i ate the almond thins because i had 184 cals left and i'd still be under my limit BUT THEN MY DAD STARTED MAKING DINNERRRRR. i was about to start crying and i'm not even joking. he made wings and fries and luckily he didn't give me any fries but UGHH WINGS. he made me eat two and i did.. they were the little drummettes so i'm logging them as 90 each and praying it's accurate. also i think he's clocking me because before he left for work he told me to eat pasta and that he left some lamb chops for me in the air fryer and even heated it up for me.. there was no way in hell i was touching the pasta there's like 5 million calories in that shit but the lamb chops i was willing.... until i weighed it and it was like 300 calories. i ended up throwing the lamb chops and a bowl of the pasta away, i feel so bad and i hate myself but i'm so close to my goal weight and i can't fail now especially when it was such an easy opportunity to not eat.. like he already left i could cheat it so easily. if i did eat i would've been a failure.. a fat failure.
when he came back from work he asked if i ate which he's never done before and went straight to the air fryer to see if the lamb chop was still there.. even after i said yes. i have a bad feeling he saw my tabs open yesterday :( i'm really scared of my family finding out i cannot be sent to ip i cannot lose all my progress. i've worked so hard this month to drop 16 pounds, i deserve to hit my goal weight!!!! i hope the wings don't fatten me up they're probably like 300 calories each oh my god.. please please please. goodnight blog..