entry 49 - 03.02

her collarbones.. agh

weight: 
bmi:

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i'm so bad at this diary shit guys i give up. i don't really count cals anymore because i gained up to like 130lbs and lost to 106lbs without doing so. ummm alright what's new. 

good:

- i have a boyfriend who i love so much. he's so good to me he has my whole heart

- lost like 25lbs i'm close to my gw100 again

- maintained 106-7lbs for like the past 3 months which could seem bad but i haven't been actively trying to lose weight it just happened. it's good i'm not gaining

i actually just eat whatever but i don't let my stomach hurt and i lowkey omad. ish. i have a light breakfast of whatever eat like one meal and just rot in my room or do something else for the rest of the day. don't track or plan out what i eat and it's worked really well. since ramadan started though i eat a bit during iftar and i usually snack at night which is why i think i've hit a plateau.

bad:

- hair loss.. it's thinning sm and it won't grow and i keep cutting off damage just to cut too much and it's sooo short right now i wanna cry. i've been wearing extensions which definitely aren't helping and sometimes they're so obvious like i'm so sad i just want pretty long hair

- i failed my last semester... like entirely i'm so embarrassed. 

- can't focus this sem probably bc of brain fog

- depressed. i've never been depressed like this in my life i have no motivation to do anything. my room is a mess, i'm a mess, i dread leaving my house. i have to drag myself to uni just to skip my classes it's horrible. i think it's why i've been struggling to eat as well :/

i'm in a weird place right now. i'm skinny and losing easily to where i hardly think about it anymore but i'm more insecure than ever and on top of that i'm just going through such a rough patch.

i am going to update the layouts of my posts since the old one is so specific and kills my motivation to actually post my entries. i'm not putting my cals anymore because i don't track them lol. i don't work out or aim for step goals anymore either so.. there's no use in leaving it in. i'll just put my stats. i'm gonna post this now but update my weight once i get home and have a chance to weigh myself. 

also i miss my nightly entries before i slept :( i had such a good sleep schedule nowadays i stay up playing videogames with my boyfriend or just talking to him :S

entry 48 - 02.25

i haven't seen my ribs in 
so long.. isn't that sad

intake: 420kcal

    - lemon raspberry muffin (420kcal)

net: ???

exercise/steps: 3k? kcal
weight: 127lbs / 51kg
bmi: 18.1

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it's been so long. i basically reversed in my progress and gained back more. i don't know how much i weigh because i've been so afraid to. i've been so depressed and i feel like my life is falling part. i'm going to start updating more casually without the structured format so i can stay consistent i guess. the last time i weighed i was fucking 127lbs.. i stared at it for a long time and broke down crying then drank myself to sleep. i'm so drained and it's been so hard to restrict with school. i'm so fucking stupid i genuinely deserve to die. even today i woke up and had a fucking 400 calorie muffin i don't understand what my issue is. as i'm writing this it's 11am. i have a class around 2 and i just won't eat until then. it's easy. i need to be skinny. i need to hit 95lbs and then 90 and then 85. and i will. i'm publishing this now and i'll just update it later. goodbye for now my blog. thank you for sticking with me

entry 47 - 10.27

wony's arm here is perfect..
i miss my skinny arms and
flat stomach. i'm so round and
my torso is so wide and my legs
are huge i'm disgusting

intake: ??? :(
    - i couldn't even tell you 

net: ???

exercise/steps: 303kcal
weight: 114.6lbs / 52kg
bmi: 18.5

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oh blog. i genuinely want to kill myself. i can't do this. i'm so fucking big. i did weigh myself after eating a shit ton so i pray to God i'm not actually that big but i've been seriously freaking out ever since i weighed. so much has happened. i think i've developed BED... i just eat and eat and for some reason i can't stop? that has to be my mindset... i can fix it. i will fix it. only fat fucking pigs can't control themselves. i also stopped purging. i eat and i go 'oh i won't gain' for some reason? i tell myself it's good i stopped purging but that's so fucking untrue. the less food in my body the better. i'm literally going to start crying over my legs though. i was so beautiful before, i was fat and i still looked a million times better. i was wearing skirts and shorts out but now i'm back to square one with my hideous fat legs. i look horrible, i'm so disgusted in myself.

even now my mom called telling me she brought a cookie and i hear her downstairs meaning she's come home and all i can think about is the cookie. it's on the tip of my tongue and i can feel myself salivating. i'm such a dog. i've become addicted to food i can't stop thinking about it. :( this ends tomorrow though. it's currently 11pm but i'm locking in i HAVE to. i have no choice.

i'm seeing riize at MAMA next month in LA and i'm beyond excited but i need to look SKINNY. i have no clue how i'm going to do it when i gained so fucking much but i'll figure it out because i need to be thin. i don't care if riize don't see me in the crowd i just need it for my ego... for the concerning stares, for everything. cali girls are fucking thin and i need to be thinner. is that fucking cookie worth it when i look like a fat hog in front of my favorite group? when i can't wear the cute outfit i have planned because i'm so disgusting? right. 

i've started uni as well.... it was going good. SO good. i get so many steps and i met a friend (who is lowkey kind of annoying sorry........) but i stick with her because we walk each other to class and i need the company i'm afraid. however for about 2 weeks now i've become severely burnt out which is fucking bad because i have midterms coming up and just over a month before semester finals. i have so much work even now but i can't focus since i look like a pig. i don't even want to go to school tomorrow because of how big i am but that's not a choice :( school has to come first. i'm going to lock in i will..!!!!!! i missed you blog. things will get better. i'm going to lose so much weight and be the skinniest ever. i'll hit 98lbs again and drop lower. i'll hit 95 then 90 then 85. i have self control, i have discipline, i will be skinny. 

goodnight blog

entry 46 - 08.26

i missed my daily thinspo too.. 
anyways i'm coping with summer
being over by reminding myself
of skinny girl autumn PLEEASEEE
i need to look like her

intake: no idea :(

    - yogurt (60kcal)
    - pb granola bars (200kcal)
    - donut (289kcal)
    - BINGE. 

net: ???

weight: 103.3lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.8

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oh BLOG I MISSEED YOU SO BAD. i literally couldn't update because my charger was missing but once i found it i was preparing for uni and oh my goddododo so much has happened. i'll start with my ed. 
even though i stopped updating on here i've been weighing myself consistently everyday and was ........ maintaining etc etc. i did hit my gw on my birthday !!!!! and gained after because God forbid a girl indulge a little on the day she was born. i hit my lowest weight of 98.6lbs / 44.7kg (bmi 16.0) on august 8 and i need it back... lower actually i need to hit 95 at LEAST. anyways august has been a fucking mess i think i literally managed to develop BED because i cannot. stop. eating. i eat till i'm full and KEEP GOING until i literally can't even walk. going hand in hand with that of course my bulimia has gotten significantly worse. i purge everyday now and sometimes 2-3x in a single day. i'll binge then purge then binge again then purge it's fucking horrible. today was so bad it made me log in today and write this entry.. i started off fine, i had 60cal yogurt for breakfast, a 200cal granola bar at school. then i got home and had to run an errand. i grabbed a donut while i was there because i can't resist a donut :( !!! (yes you can fat FUCKING BITCH) and told myself it was a treat so i wouldn't binge later on. the issue is i've just broken down all food rules for myself. i don't care about macros or any of that shit and it's causing me to just eat whatever the fuck. there's days i'll literally only eat ice cream and monsters it's SO. BAD. when i got home i ate what my mom made then my dad brought cake and i ate so much of it then i was craving bread so i ate bread along with a mini croissant and then my dad dinner and i ATE DINNER I AM SO FUCKING FAT. i did purge my mom's lunch but who the hell cares when i ate so much afterward anyways. i weighed myself after and i SURPASSED 105 and i'm like on the brink of being 107lbs... i also found out i'm 167cm and not 170cm so my bmi is even higher. i've technically never even hit bmi 15s and that makes me so suicidal. i've gained almost 5kilos FIVE. i have to fast tomorrow i don't care i need to cleanse myself. i'm so full right now i feel nauseous i literally hate it so bad. AUTUMN is like THE season of skinny. i need to have twig legs for wearing tights and skirts and CUTE AUTUMN OUTFITS FOR SCHOOL. i need to. NEED. 

onto brighter things ????? ish. i started uni and made a friend already!!!!!!!! i'm very proud of myself she's also so kind and a little weird so i feel like. comfortable around her. i like my teachers and my classes too so idk. omg also. i get so many steps.. i only have like 2 classes a day but the campus is so big that walking to each class alone gets me 4-5k. i work now too ?? but i think i was working the last time i updated... ummmmmm one of my coworkers told me i should model which like i wish but i'm fucking fat right now soo + another is helping me get a fake id so we will be UP SOON ! 

this entry is becoming soooooo damn long but it's been over a month soooo..... tbh the reason i binge is because i spend so much time in the kitchen. like we have an island and i've been sitting there to do homework bc my room is dirty and like.., no shit you're gonna binge. i need to lock in so before i started writing this i put away everything, wiped my desk down and vaccumed so i can do my work in my ROOM and not be tempted. also i hope writing daily about how disgusting i am helps too. OMG ALSO I CAN DRIVE NOWWWW ;DDD back to what i was saying i have class tmrw which i'm water fasting like i literally have to and then there's this cute event my school is doing that my friend and i are gonna go to. thank God because that's more time out and distracted instead of being at home binging. hopefully by the time i get home and complete my work i can go to bed or idk. i wanna start staying at school and just doing all my work there and then like walk around downtown to get a bunch of steps in lol but my mom needs help getting all my siblings back from school.. i guess until she's got a system down for them she needs me but UGHHHGHGH I can't wait for autumn... walking along downtown in my cutie fall outfits I MUST LOCK IN!!! i have a month. i can do it. goodnight blog ♥

entry 45 - 07.16

loll i need to kms because they're
like... perfect to me. like this is
what i want to look like but they're
BMI 13 UGGHGUFHJI and not even
high bmi 13 they're bmi 13.1 im so
sick i have to move out if i want
any chance of looking like this

intake: 1,166kcal

    - pudding w choco crisps (74kcal)
    - chicken nuggets and fries (256kcal)
    - mango boba (~60kcal)
    - ice cream bar (160kcal)
    - chicken pinwheels (547kcal)

net: 1,166kcal

weight: 102.7lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.1

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new LOW WEIGHTT YAYAYAY. i checked yesterday's entry and for some reason thought my intake was only like 400.... that kind of makes me feel better about today's intake though. i'm so dumb i had breakfast and then my mom made lunch, i told her i wasn't hungry but she asked i eat a small plate at least... i think she can see me getting smaller. i don't know if i overestimated but i really hope i did because it kills me when my intake goes over 1k. i snacked on the boba + ice cream after and told myself i just wouldn't eat after but then my dad decided to bring pinwheels home and gave them to my sister =_-. i had 1 1/2 but like ugh i shouldn't have eaten. i also hope i overestimated the cals but who am i kidding. i need to stop giving into my cravings... and start trashing food. i didn't exercise either like how am i so useless. this was all eaten before like 5pm so i haven't eaten since.. i didn't allow myself water either because i'm scared of water weight tomorrow... if my weight goes up a lot i feel like i'll def spiral. i wanna hit 100s by the weekend now but i need to lock in and do <500 each day so i think i won't have breakfast tomorrow. goodnight blogggg 

entry 44 - 07.15

this is all i want

intake: 711kcal

    - coffee yogurt (71kcal)
    - pancake w gelato (~465kcal)
    - tuna rice salad (~60kcal)
    - vanilla pudding (60kcal)
    - choco rice cakes (55kcal)

net: 711kcal

weight: 103.5lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.2

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FINALLYYYY BACK IN THE 103S omg i've been miserable all week... i think those lax gummies definitely helped. i'm kinda iffy about my intake today i wish i didn't snack at the end so i'd be under 700 but.. oh well. i'm gonna try to stay under 500 so if i feel like snacking at night i can without going over 600. anyways i had my yogurt then i went out with a friend (I DROVE :OOOOO) and we tried this new gelato place that opened and got this pancake gelato thing it was SOOOO good omfg. chatgpt estimated the cals of the whole thing to be like 700-800 and i ate about half but said i ate .6 of it to be safe... kinda kills me idk the exact cals but what can i do :/. my mom made dinner when i came home and i told her i was full so to only give me a little, she ended up eating in the living room so i got away with not finishing it. i think i only ate two bites while i thought she was watching me. i feel awful because it was really good and she used to make it a lot for me growing up but i literally couldn't bring myself to eat it... i took a photo and had chatgpt estimate the cals and it was saying 400 something like i just couldn't.. :( and i dropped today and need to be consistent so i can hit my gw by my birthday... 
i went out again to get groceries for my mom and found out they have sf pudding, the vanilla flavor was the lowest cal so i grabbed that one. i wasn't planning on eating it but i did because i'm stupid and when i got home i had cravings so i ate a few rice cakes. i need to stawp snacking it's so fat of me. i didn't even exercise to have eaten this much :S anyways i weighed again just now after peeing and i'm 103.5 again so hopefullyyyy i can hit a new lw tomorrow??? goodnight blog.. ♥

entry 43 - 07.14

rib cage.............. xlkdjvch

intake: 393kcal

    - coffee choco protein yogurt (73kcal)
    - halo top chocolate ice cream (320kcal)

net: 393kcal

weight: 104.9lbs / 47..6kg
bmi: 16.4

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okay writing this entry on tomorrow's day loll... but i have an excuse this time my mac's charger stopped working and i was in a bad mood. now i'm on this janky hp.. it's actually fine i use it for playing games but i miss my mac it's just so sleek... but whatever this will do. 
i ate like nothing yesterday omg waking up nearly bmi 17 the day before SHOOK me i had to lock in... idk what that was but thankfully i woke up back in the 104s. for breakfast, i made myself coffee yogurt again but w/ chocolate protein powder and it tasted really good. after i drove MYSELF !!!! it was just me and my sister but we went to the store and bought halo top ice cream which is WORTH THE HYPE!! i got the chocolate mocha chip one and it tastes like regular chocolate ice cream.. i was being fat and finished the whole pint but i'm like.. it's okay since i didn't eat anything else. my sister got cookies and cream i think which is also really good, just it tastes a  little more yogurt-y? rather than like ice cream. i stayed up really late redoing my ios homescreen but it's soo cute now D: i'm obsessed with it.. it was a good day!!! goodnight blog <3