entry 29 - 6.30

aespa are my ults and omg
winter has been so so tiny
since spicy era..

intake: 699kcal

    - avocado cheese spinach egg wrap (286kcal)
    - melona bar (130kcal) 
    - coffee (0kcal)
    - almond thin (100kcal)
    - 2 drummettes (~180kcal)

net: 699kcal

weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

um a lot happened today. okay so i hit 104.6 :) which was my old low weight so i'm really happy i'm back to being the skinniest i've ever been!!!!! i feel like i don't look bmi 16.4 though?? or bmi 16 at all. i guess it's because i don't really work out :S. i feel like only my legs look slightly slimmer but i'm hoping it's just dysmorphia.. i was gonna have just the thins for breakfast but my dad went shopping yesterday and brought avacados and spinach and he made himself an egg sandwich with them and looked really excited about it.. when i woke up he said he left them out for me and :(. so i was like okay and just made my lowish cal version with the avocado unfortunately which hiked up the cals by like 30.
i'm also starting to genuinely feel anorexic... like i seriously fear food now :/ when deciding what i want i keep checking the calories and i get stressed when i forget or can't weigh something. i wanted to try and omad the egg wrap but obviously that didn't work bc life hates me!
i was halfway through a shower when i started to feel dizzy, i ignored it until i was literally about to pass out. i thought it was the heat so i made the water colder and then i FELL over??? i felt like i was suffocating and still had that feeling i was about to pass out so i crawled out of the shower and sat on the floor besides the bathroom door, i opened it a crack and started opening and closing it (using it as like a fan almost?) to cool myself down. i thought i was good so i got up to finish my shower because i still needed to wash the conditioner out of my hair but i felt faint as soon as i stood up again so i sat back down and i was on the floor for what felt like forever. i asked my sister to bring me my water bottle which helped a little but it took me like 30 minutes to feel okay. after that i had to finish my shower as a bath bc i literally could not stand up :/ when i wanted to rinse myself i got up and was so wobbly. i was so scared the entire time, i checked my watch and my heart rate doubled too omg i was doing everything i could to avoid fainting because i knew if i went to a hospital they might send me to ip and undo all my progress.. just when i re-hit my lw. like NO THANKS! i've felt weak for the rest of the day but i've been able to walk around and do stuff. omg after i got out i got into a giant fight with my sister and she kicked me in the stomach which almost knocked me out considering i almost FAINTED 30 minutes earlier.. this was like the first time we've ever physically fought. and it was not fair because she takes taekwondo and goes to the gym while i'm stick limbed with zero pain tolerance. she's literally sick in the head the argument was so stupid i don't even feel like going over it. done talking about her fatass i hope something awful happens to her. 
anyways me nearly fainting in the shower is why i didn't do omad. i'm guessing it's because of my low intake for the past 2 days so i had a melona bar since it's big-ish and not too high cal. then i had coffee because i was still craving something and wanted to kill my appetite but that didn't work and the coffee was fawking disgusting and got cold quickly so i drained it.. i ate the almond thins because i had 184 cals left and i'd still be under my limit BUT THEN MY DAD STARTED MAKING DINNERRRRR. i was about to start crying and i'm not even joking. he made wings and fries and luckily he didn't give me any fries but UGHH WINGS. he made me eat two and i did.. they were the little drummettes so i'm logging them as 90 each and praying it's accurate. also i think he's clocking me because before he left for work he told me to eat pasta and that he left some lamb chops for me in the air fryer and even heated it up for me.. there was no way in hell i was touching the pasta there's like 5 million calories in that shit but the lamb chops i was willing.... until i weighed it and it was like 300 calories. i ended up throwing the lamb chops and a bowl of the pasta away, i feel so bad and i hate myself but i'm so close to my goal weight and i can't fail now especially when it was such an easy opportunity to not eat.. like he already left i could cheat it so easily. if i did eat i would've been a failure.. a fat failure. 
when he came back from work he asked if i ate which he's never done before and went straight to the air fryer to see if the lamb chop was still there.. even after i said yes. i have a bad feeling he saw my tabs open yesterday :( i'm really scared of my family finding out i cannot be sent to ip i cannot lose all my progress. i've worked so hard this month to drop 16 pounds, i deserve to hit my goal weight!!!! i hope the wings don't fatten me up they're probably like 300 calories each oh my god.. please please please. goodnight blog.. 

entry 28 - 6.29

idk my legs aren't like 'fat' 
anymore but i still hate them.. i
want the boney look so bad

intake: 454kcal

    - almond thins (96kcal)
    - mini ice cream bar (160kcal)
    - coffee (20kcal)
    - chocolate wafers (184kcal)

net: 454kcal

weight: 105.7lbs / 47.9kg
bmi: 16.6

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

ok i woke up like 106 something i rly don't remember but it was def water weight bc i weighed again before i slept and ~~105.7~~ yeasss even tho it's maintenance since yesterday...... i've been dousing in water otherwise i feel like dying esp because i'm restricting which sucks bc now my weigh ins are inaccurate. anywayz i didn't walk today because i felt kinda sick also it was hard pouring the whole day so i kinda couldn't :S i didn't eat the almond thins until like... 5pm again. my dad made lunch but went to run an errand after and i just lied and told him i grabbed a bowl while he was gone (periodddosoido)
OMG ALSO . this is so embarrassing. my dad told me to search something up and i opened up google TO THIS BROWSER luckily i was on a google page so they didn't see anything flat out BUT ALL MY TABS WERE OPEN INCLUDING MY BLOG BMI CALCULATOR AND MYFITNESSPAL IM SOOOO embarrassed i KNOW MY SISTER SAW TOO. she definitely knows i'm starving again i'm so sick.. i can't talk to her about calories or stuff anymore she's literally gonna admit me to a clinic herself and i cannot have that.. idk about my dad but i'm praying he didn't see.. luckily i have my blog hidden from the web unless you have the url so they shouldn't be able to find it... God that was so bad. i'm closing my tabs as soon as i upload my entries for now on i cannot have a call that close again. 
back to FOOD i was sooo bored today i should've walked forreal but once again i felt so weak and sick. my dad brought these mini ice creams and they were only 160cal which is kinda a lot but i didn't really eat anything so i had those.. then i made coffee and i thought it'd taste good with wafers so i ate those and yeass 10/10 combo so good. junkorexic today but who cares i was still under my limit. hoping i lose tomorrow i reallyy wanna hit the 104s because it's my lowest weight! goodnight blog ♥

entry 27 - 6.28

intake: 423kcal

WAIST

    - almond cookies (104kcal)

    - peach electrolyte water thing (30kcal)
    - leftover korean food (~289kcal)

net: 170kcal

exercise: 253kcal 
weight: 105.7lbs / 47.9kg
bmi: 16.6

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm so thankful i lost otherwise i would've gone crazy.. i LOCKED in today and didn't eat the almond thngs until like 4pm which also it's like a pack of 3 and they're all ~100 cals. that is so crazy?? and they taste SOO good i'm gonna start eating them for breakfast. for my walk i did 80min and pushed myself to speed walk for the second half of it because yessss burning caloriessss. i debated the electrolyte drink because i could've gotten something 0 cal but in the end it had vitamins and electrolytes and is more beneficial.. it tasted really good too. i was planning on not eating anything else after but my sister pulled out the leftovers and i fumbled.. i'm telling myself it's for the best because if i left them i could've binged later or something. me and her split it but i tried not to eat too much. i have no idea how to log them right but i ate one kimbap, 2 spoonfuls of the bibimbap and like.. crumbs of the dakgeongjeong. like it can't be over 400??? but even in that case intake is still under 600.. and net is like 300. i think i'm fine..... definitely beating myself over it but it shouldn't cause me to gain... :_;
i'm starting work in like 1-2 weeks i'm really excited to finally have money again. i'm going in with 40hr weeks for the summer because i really do nothing anyways and i'll have weekends off to hang out with my friends or be anorexic idk. tbh 40hrs sounds kind of daunting and crazy but i might as well get the experience now. i remember back when i worked my first job the thought of burning calories doing literally anything made it more fun, almost like a game? i'll just keep that mindset now too. the problem is idk if i'll have time or energy for my walks, especially if i'm doing 8 hour days. also i NEED to fix my sleep schedule lol. that means no more 2am entries D; i've been 

entry 26 - 6.27

hey future self u can't wear skirts and
look like this if you keep acting like a
fat fucking cow omg i'm going to be huge
i can't do this

intake: 1,416kcal

    - fried chicken (260kcal)
    - french donut (190kcal)
    - macaroni (310kcal)
    - chips w/ dip (336kcal)
    -  cherries (90kcal)
    - taquitos (230kcal)

net: 1,194kcal

exercise: 222kcal 
weight: 106.3lbs / 48.2kg
bmi: 16.6

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm so sick omg i'm going to gain tomorrow omg my friend dragged me up to a lake (not really..... i love nature and it was fun but FUCK i ate like a pig). we stopped at king soopers to get food and she just kept buying and buying........ i told her i wouldn't eat something and she'd buy it anyways.. when we got there she offered me the chicken and how am i supposed to say no omg i want to die i'm so stupid JUST SAY YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?? in the store i was speed typing all the brand names into my phone while she was looking around so i wouldn't look sus checking them in front of her later.. but 1,416 is crazy i want to cry why would i let myself eat that much. i tried dragging her up to walk around and stuff but she just wanted to kayak and SIT LIKE COME ONNNNN. she brought a soccer ball and we played for 30ish minutes and i was playing like a try hard trying to burn off cals.. i was exhausted when i got home but i still got up to go for a walk (the weather was AMAZING so breezy and chill..). i was twice as exhausted after but i think i would've killed myself if i didn't. my apple watch is telling me i burnt 500 calories today but i don't believe it.. plus that's like 100 more than usual anyways like okay thanks i'm still going to kill myself. ALSO I GAINED SINCE YESTERDAY. i THINK it's water weight BUT STILLLLLL I WANT TO DIE I'M SO FUCKING FAT AND STUPID.
i have to lock in tomorrow. my dad has work so i'm gonna pray he just leaves me alone so i can starve in peace. i'm going to make myself a tuna salad or something for dinner/lunch and not eat the rest of the day... pLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. if i'm in the 107s tomorrow i'm jumping out my window i'm not even kidding. please. PLEASE. goodnight blog :(

entry 25 - 6.26

this girl again... ik her fits are basic but
the way they look sooo good bc she's
skinny... need

intake: 1,356kcal

    - vanilla wafer (210kcal)
    - dakgeongjeong (~423kcal)
    - tuna mayo kimbap (361kcal)
    - bibimbap (267kcal)
    - half a churro (95kcal)

net: 1,214kcal

exercise: 142kcal 
weight: 105.6lbs / 47.9kg
bmi: 16.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

lol im GOING to kill someone. i was supposed to write this LAST night but i passed out like a fucking idiot and so i wrote it just now but then it deleted... like it's gone i literally can't find it ??????? this site is so stupid why isn't there an edit history or something UGHH.
okay so i lost since yesterday basically and i'm back at 105.6 (but it doesn't matter bc i'm back at 106.3 again tomorrow ☺!!!!) i really don't feel like typing everything again so i'm just gonna shorten it. friends wanted to go to korean place near my house, i convinced them to walk since it was closeish to me (20mIn) (that's not really why i just wanted to be able to exercise since i knew we'd come back late and i wouldn't be able to walk). i felt faint that morning so i ate a wafer before we went out (Whale) i ate like a whale at the restaurant, had the best chicken ive ever had in my entire life, we pass by subway and split churros (whale x3 why didn't i say i was full?????) i get home and play bloxburg instead of working out and trying to burn off cals... stupid stupid stupid stupid ugh.. goodnight blog ;(

entry 24 - 6.25

i miss when i was home alone
and didn't have to worry about
my parents cooking for me
and ruining my day..

intake: 953kcal

    - egg wrap (250kcal)
    - potato beef casserole (~394kcal) :/
    - mango melona (110kcal)
    - chips (160kcal)
    - cheesecake (39kcal) (c/sed...)

net: 750kcal

exercise: 203kcal 
weight: 106.3lbs / 48.2kg
bmi: 16.6

note: i purged almost all of the casserole.. literally not even 5 min after eating it. and i tried c/s for the first time because my binge urges were so strong today.. :/

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm going to kill somebody i was mad af when i woke up and weighed more this morning... today was okay. i woke up soo late and my dad was making lunch but then we were out of cheese and he said he was gonna just finish it tomorrow so i made myself breakfast ( the egg wrap ) but then he goes shopping and decides to finish it TODAY and he made us sit and eat at the dinner table like... as soon as i finished i went up to purge it. i don't know if this means i purged a lot of it but i weighed myself after eating (107.3 or something) then after purging and using the bathroom and i was back down at 106.3.. i went for my walk after and bought my cat some treats but when i got back whew it was bad. it's my day to clean the kitchen and i was so dizzy and weak because i purged, so i told myself i'd eat the melona.. after i finished i was sitting at the kitchen bar with my sister which was stupid tbh i should've just gone up to sleep because that's the only reason why i "binged." she had chips and i asked if they were good and she gave me them to try and i finished the bag.. it was a small bag and she left about 1/3 but still :( i just logged it as half because i didn't wanna risk underestimating. i really shouldn't have given in because after i eat one thing i feel like falling apart. i was about to get another bag of chips but they were all like 200cals per bag like that is so much and not worth it at all. then i saw the cheesecake and started thinking back to when i said i'd try c/sing and... i did it. it was kinda difficult because cheesecake is so sticky and melts in your mouth kinda, it would get stuck in the back and i'd have to like gag it forward or drink water to spit it out. i drank water between every bite to wash my mouth and make sure i wasn't consuming anything but obviously it's impossible to do that so i logged it as 10% of the total cals of a slice. the slice i ate was also a bit small so.. idk. i hope i lose tomorrow. i'm going to stop making breakfast because today was a disaster for the sole reason i did. my intake would've been around 700 which is a million times better than 900... which is so close to 1k ugh i feel so fat and gross. UGHHHH goodnight blog 

entry 23 - 6.24

this is riize's sohee.. he's my fav
person on earth literally the only
male i feel attracted to lol. he's
just endearing to me.. but
recently he's lost so much weight.
i saw this yesterday and it
triggered me so horribly but i 
also hope he's okay :( praying
he can eat well when promos
are over

intake: 1,098kcal
    - egg wrap (248kcal)
    - in n out (850kcal) :/

net: 914kcal

exercise: 184kcal 
weight: 105.6lbs / 47.9kg
bmi: 16.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

yayayayay i lost more than a pound since yesterday!!!! i had another egg wrap for breakfast, played sims, then went on an hour long walk. it's still really freaking hot but it was cloudy today so it was bearable. i wish walking at night was safer because it's always breezy and perfect for walks but oh well. my dad came home from his trip and took us to in n out for dinner and ugh at least they have a calorie menu... i purged some of it when i got home and i'm telling myself i didn't go over my tdee so i don't freak out but i'm kind of disappointed and i feel fat and gross.. i hate eating there's never a time where i don't feel guilty doing it. especially lately. my egg wrap was just under 300 cals and the only thing i ate in the morning and i still felt guilty for eating it... i wish i was capable of fasting but i literally pass out if i don't eat for over a day and it doesn't help i'm also anemic. 
my sister has been so annoying lately. she keeps making eating disorder jokes at me and ridiculing me... when i was making my egg wrap she asked why i was a health nut all of a sudden and to just eat a donut or something for breakfast... like no? and disordered or not, there's nothing wrong with opting for a healthier option.. she's so weird. when we were at in n out i was looking at the calorie menu and she glances over at my phone and says 'no way, are you looking up the calories?' i was so embarrassed and mad at her. who cares if i am??? leave me alone. i told her i was looking at the menu to decide what i wanted because my dad doesn't like to waste time. she's also just so painfully unfunny and weird.. she's started hanging out with this weird girl who i don't like at all so she's all changed now. it sucks because we used to be close, but i don't like hanging out with her anymore because all she does is make insensitive jokes or call me an anorexic.. i don't need her anyways, within my family i'm closer with my parents and when my mom comes back i'll have her company again. sorry for the longish irrelevant vent... i needed to get it out. i'm going to finish my sims house now :) goodnight blog ♥

entry 22 - 6.23

scale pic bc i just wanna sleep
and cba to go scrounging around
for thinspo i like

intake: 468kcal
    - egg tortilla wrap (235kcal)
    - green tea (0kcal)
    - another wrap lol (233kcal)

net: 359kcal

exercise: 109kcal 
weight: 106.9lbs / 48.5kg
bmi: 16.7

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

omg today was way better i literally had a mental breakdown after i finished last night's entry..... i was sobbing out of control bc i was so tired and felt sick and weak and telling myself i'd give myself a break and maintain today then i woke up this morning and lol'd because i LOSTTT and it drove me to eat less yuppp. i did go for a walk too but cut it short at 39min because it was so fucking hot outside. it was in the 100s so i tried following the shade or just disassociating to distract myself but my body was shutting down so i stopped early. i'm not too upset especially because my intake is on the lower end today and i got at least a half hour of some sort of exercise. 
the egg wrap was soooo good. i put cheese in it and it was so worth it because i literally crave cheese all the time and it just makes things taste better.. i was trying to figure out what to eat for dinner until i realized i could just make it again because of how low cal it is. new safe food!!!!!!
tbh didn't really do much else today. i showered.. my dad comes home from his work trip tomorrow which means he'll be cooking again and i have to eat it....... -_- but i'm glad my period is over because i can actually lose and not look bloated all the time. crossing my fingers i lose again tomorrow. going to sleep now, night blog ♥

entry 21 - 6.22

realizing i won't have the knob
knees i dream of unless i hit bmi
13s and by then there's no way i
won't have a lung collapse or
some shit like that.. bmi 14 pls
have my back

intake: 653kcal
    - spicy tuna rolls (350kcal)
    - strawberry lemonade sparkling water (5kcal)
    - chicken salad (298kcal)

net: 372kcal

exercise: 281kcal 
weight: 107.8lbs / 48.9kg
bmi: 16.9

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

today was sooo shitty i don't even wanna talk about it. it was fine at first, i actually woke up pretty early and i decided to go on a morning walk and grab breakfast instead of making something so i bought sushi which was worth it since it's been a craving i've been itching to kill and then the sparkling water bc the brand tastes really good and i figured it was big enough to last me the day in case i felt like binging later (which i'm sooo glad i did because that damn cheesecake was taunting me..) i think i might try c/s it tomorrow to see if it's worth the hype.. it can't possibly be worse than purging. ummm i think i played roblox after that then i made myself the salad but this time with strawberries, bell peppers and shredded carrots. it was really good. it's less cals because i didn't use dressing.. that shit is like 100 cals for a tablespoon like gtfo i really need to find low cal dressing or like a yogurt i can use. 
i went on another walk after i ate my salad because my morning walk was only 45min and i'd probably kill myself if i didn't hit my 60 minutes. the second was around 50 min so 95 total!!! that's pretty good i'm proud of myself. i think i just need to shower and that's why i'm so down idk.
also am i logging my exercises right..? i hate overestimating but i linked an app to my fitness thing and it said i burnt like 500 something which seems crazy for 90 minutes of walking... i log the active and not total calories because idk i feel like total cals don't count since that's what my body burns anyways like at that point i might as well subtract my entire bmr... i'm going to sleep and don't have much hope for losing by tomorrow since i drank the sparkling water and it's def gonna bloat me. aaaghghh patience is virtue i guess.
this disorder is so funny if you think about it because i could be eating well and calling up my friends to go out but i just spend all my time meal planning, cooking and walking. but also it gives me a purpose almost? i had miserable days when i was eating 'normally' but now instead of JUST being miserable i can be skinny and miserable... it balances out. goodnight blog x 

entry 20 - 6.21

she's so tiny..

intake: 1,218kcal
    - kind bar (170kcal)
    - costco samples (89kcal)
    - chicken salad (376kcal)
    - cheesecake (390kcal)
    - pizza (155kcal)
    - toffee (38kcal)

net: 1,022kcal

exercise: 196kcal 
weight: 107.8lbs / 48.9kg
bmi: 16.9

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

desperately trying to focus on the good instead of the bad. i don't know if i'd call it a binge but the pizza and cheesecake were just :/ i had the cheesecake because i was craving something sweet and i thought it'd be worth the cals because of how good it tastes but THEN my sister warmed up a pizza for my younger siblings to eat and gave me a slice... i should've said i'm not hungry but i know she's catching onto me and i really don't want to trigger her into an ed because she's had body issues in the past and her copying my behaviors would be awful. i'd never forgive myself.
i felt really dizzy and faint this morning and i was going to costco with my dad (FUCK YOU SAMPLES!!!) so i ate the kind bar but tbh i should have skipped it. when we got home i made myself the chicken salad which btw was the best salad i've ever had... it was so good and so dense for under 400 cals. i actually feel slightly better because i ate 2/3 of it? and my sister ate the rest so my intake is really around ~1.1k. that still fucking sucks but it's better than more i guess. i burnt my arm really badly while making the chicken for the salad, there's a giant red mark on it and the pain was so bad at first i nearly fainted, like genuinely. everything got blurry and i couldn't stand or breathe so i sat down to regulate myself and it took like 5 minutes for me to come back... ugh. i went on my walk after that and only did 60min because everything was bothering me. i felt too hot, my shirt kept rubbing against the burn mark, my shoes felt too tight, i had a constant wedgie.. the first half of it was literally sensory hell but the final 30min were actually kind of nice.. i just disassociated to the music and kept walking and before i knew it i was back home. 
i'm ending with the good news this time because i want to be able to sleep well tonight but YAAAAYYY!!!! BMI 16 :-) today has been so awful that i forgot but typing that out made it so much better. i'm finally FREE!!!! and even if i kind of binged today i'm still under my tdee and did walk so it's okay.. i shouldn't gain anything that isn't just undigested food. okay i do feel better. but either way i need to get it together and this can never happen again because it slows my progress, makes me feel shitty and sad and it is not a good way to end my day!!! and on that note i'm going to sleep. goodnight blog!! ♥

entry 19 - 6.20

i don't really like emma but this
picture is crazy

intake: 589kcal

    - popcorn (97kcal)
    - vanilla coke zero (0kcal)
    - hazelnut churros (~492kcal)

net: 357kcal

exercise: 232kcal 
weight: 109lbs / 49.4kg
bmi: 17.1

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

girl when will i be freed of bmi 17 hell.. i've been avoiding taking laxatives because my family already has a history of bowel issues and i really don't want that for myself but it feels like i've been knocking on bmi 16s door for ages now -__- 
today i saw a movie with my friend so i skipped breakfast and lunch and told my dad i'd eat later... lol. me and her ordered popcorn, churros and a drink to share and luckily i got to fill it up so duhhh i got it zero cal (which imo tastes better than the original)...... the churros were 5pc so we each had 2 1/2 and thankfully the theater has calories listed so i could log everything. when i got home i felt fat and was really tempted to purge but ended up talking myself out of it. it was pouring rain and since i already went out, i initially planned to skip my walk but the guilt of just leaving all that junk in my system overcame me and i went for another 80min walk. IN THE RAIN. no but it was really nice and breezy. it was kind of annoying at first because it was literally POURING and if i took my phone out for a second to skip my song the screen would be covered as if i ran it under a sink. like it was sooo bad but it calmed down after a bit and it was just beautiful green dewiness. my dad made dinner too but i managed to get out of eating any and kept busy by cleaning the kitchen & dishes so he wouldn't think too hard about how much i'd eaten. after that i cleaned and vacuumed my room. doing chores has been kinda fun lately... i love burning cals......... i've been doing well back in mid res lately (is 500 mid? low? i think it's mid) probably because today was the last day of my period. i've noticed no more cravings either, thank GOD. okay well i'm gonna sleep so i can try to regulate my sleep schedule.... goodnight blog!

entry 18 - 6.19

this photo of mary kate olsen has
been rotting my brain recently

intake: ~599kcal
    - vegetable stir fry (169kcal) 
    - coffee (30kcal)
    - frozen yogurt (~400kcal)

net: 364kcal

exercise: 235kcal 
weight: 108.4lbs / 49.2kg
bmi: 17

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

YESSSSSSSS i leaped in joy after weighing myself this morning. i ate a lot yesterday but apparently my accurate tdee taking my activity level into account is like ~1700 calories so i was technically in a deficit of 500 yesterday? plus my exercise. i woke up at noon again and made myself this veggie stir fry i saw and it was soooo good and filling but also so low cal?? i went for my walk after and i loved my outfit and the weather was perfect, i was vibing. i did 80 min and felt so refreshed at the end. my dad took us out to eat frozen yogurt afterwards. i tried to be mindful but also indulge a little.. i'd only eaten 200 cals by then and already burned them off so i thought of it as like an omad. i'm .2lbs away from bmi 16 eeek things are going WELLLL.
okay now back to my tdee talk.. 1,700 cal maintenance is actually kind of perfect. i just need to be mindful at restaurants like i was with the froyo.. but i feel like that's more than enough to still eat "normally." like three 500cal meals is still under that amount. i'm getting so close to my gw i'm really excited. i'll be small enough then to splurge on clothes i've been wanting but felt too fat for. also looking forward to my period ending so i can see what my stomach looks like when it isn't bloated -_- it's literally been a week like come on speed it up. let's hope it's GONE by tomorrow and that i also hopefully maybe possibly hit bmi 16.. goodnight blog!!!! ♥

entry 17 - 6.18

i lowkey look like this already if not
a little thinner but i'm very obsessed
with her here... omg also on my walk
i found one of those cardboard coffee
sleeves from yesterday's thinspo and
tried to slide it up my arm but my
elbow D: i have those funny arms
where they're thin but go out at the
elbow... i'll try again at low bmi 16

intake: 1,285kcal
    - turkey sandwich (481kcal) 
    - kind bar (204kcal) 
    - vanilla wafers (210kcal) 
    - cheesecake (390kcal)

net: 1,131kcal

exercise: 154kcal 
weight: 109.6lbs / 49.7kg
bmi: 17.2

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

brah i fucking gained... when i woke up i was actually 110.7? but i knew it was water weight bc i drank like my whole water bottle last night.. i ate like a pig once again yippee. my dad made me lunch and even though i hate when he does it.. bless him for it. i'm really grateful for my parents even if they have their flaws and i complain about them a lot. he woke up early to get me pain killers before he went off to work because he found me clutching my stomach in pain :(. everything after is clearly snacks and me just being fat asf. i had a kind bar like an hour after the sandwich because i felt like chewing something then i felt guilty so i went on my walk (okay consistency!!!!) but i cut it short at 50min because my period makes everything fucking impossible. i was just sitting and talking with my sister at the kitchen bar when she pulled out both the wafer and the cheesecake.. me and her are so blessed for our metabolisms because we'd be huge without them. she eats like THAT and is still only bmi 19. 
my watch is telling me i've burned 408cals today which seems kinda.. high? i only logged in my exercise what it says i burned on my walk because idk that seems more accurate.. also i read that you burn ~500 more calories a day on your period and i forgot period appetite exists which i think explains why i've been so hungry this week. it's definitely the reason i'm so bloated which is why i'm not THAT upset i gained. it's only .6lb.. i'll drop it quickly.  
i've been having fun lately lol i look forward to my walks and i feel they've made me less lazy. if i forget to do something i'll just get up and quickly do it whereas before i'd already be snug and tucked into bed and could not be bothered. i also like going to bed because i get to write my daily entries which i think are actually kinda helping my mental health, and eat all my vitamins. they're all gummy/fruit flavored so it's like a treat at the end of each day:) look at things going well even when the world wants me to be miserable.. i love summer! goodnight blog ♥

entry 16 - 6.17

my arms have always been kinda thin
so maybe i can do this but i need to
know fs

intake: 630kcal
    - apple kale smoothie (102kcal)
    - filly cheesesteak (518kcal)
    - low cal snapple (10kcal)

net: 382kcal

exercise: 248kcal 
weight: 109lbs / 49.4kg
bmi: 17.1

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

praise the lord even if i only lost .1 pound. better than GAINING. i woke up at like 109.7 and i was really about to kill myself so thank god for that morning shit. i made this kale apple smoothie i saw from a korean diet vlogger and it was really good for only 100cals. i watched a stephanie soo video with it. my dad made filly cheesesteaks and i was sitting in the kitchen bar so i was very lowkey noting down everything he used and estimated the total cals... then i found a recipe already saved onto myfitnesspal with a super close number so i just picked that. after that i felt fat obviously :/ eating real food makes me feel so invalid i miss my junkorexic era, i was off a high or something.. so i went on another hour long walk. i think i'll just make this a daily thing or 4/5 days a wk bc i hate working out and running is stupid and exhausting to me... plus i get fresh air and idk i just feel great afterwards.
omg also i wasn't planning on purging today but when i got home i felt like i needed to throw up as i was about to shower so i went to the bathroom and it literally just came up on it's own i was ?!?!? and so smoothly too, i just puked it all out. idk if that's healthier because i didn't have to use my fingers and my face didn't redden as badly, or worse because i just involuntarily purged..... but i don't really care since it's getting me closer to the point i wanna be at. i forgot to mention i've been on my period the past fewish days too which i think is whats slowing my wl, idk how i haven't brought that u[ lol.. but it's felt like forever now and i literally had it just the week before. i need my cycle to either regulate or GO AWAYYYY i'm sick. 

entry 15 - 6.16

i need her top

intake: ~1,300kcal
    - shrimp frittata (243kcal)
    - choc chip cookies :/ (~700kcal)
    - bbq (~340kcal)

net: ~1,000kcal

exercise: 261kcal 
weight: 109.1lbs / 49.5kg
bmi: 17.1

note: i purged... everything

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i need to stop purging before i fall down bulimic hell again. today is the last day of this bullshit. i started off fine and didn't eat my shrimp egg thing until like noon but then my sister decided to make cookies... i thought one would be fine but they were literally the best cookies i've ever had in my life. i'm so ashamed because that is such a fat thing to think and say aloud but i ended up eating like 4 or something... God I felt like a worthless pig i immediately got up to go purge it. My dad went out with his friends for father's day and brought back a bunch of bbq and fixed me a plate which I didn't even ask for!!!! And he told me to come eat with him. How could I say no on father's day.... :/ I'm an idiot, of course I can say no! i keep coming up with excuses and i had this thought in the back of my mind to not log the food i ate today because of how embarrassed i am. i SHOULD be embarrassed because I'm a fucking pig... obviously I purged the bbq too because of how guilty I felt and it wouldn't come up because I didn't drink enough water with it. stupid stupid stupid.
i was so mad at myself it actually drove me to getting up off my ass and finally trying to exercise. i went out for a walk which i originally planned to be 30min because it was late by this point and I didn't want to be out at dark but i walked a little over an hour. At the 15min point the purging caught up to me and I started to feel sick but I pushed through and it started to feel.. fun. Like I was enjoying it and wanted to keep going, I would've gone longer than an hour but it was almost pitch black and I can't let myself get kidnapped while I'm fat... I at least need nice photos of me at bmi 14-15 to be plastered everywhere so I'm not remembered as the fat bitch who got kidnapped in the middle of burning her mia calories. very embarrassing and shameful day.. tomorrow will be better. goodnight blog.

entry 14 - 6.15

just wanna be tiny like this..
that's what kept me going today

intake: ~940kcal
    - steak/egg/potato breakfast (672kcal)
    - kind bar (170kcal)
    - white chocolate mug brownie (98kcal)

net: ~940kcal

weight: 109.6lbs / 49.7kg
bmi: 17.2

note: i purged the breakfast

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

today was soo hard for no reason. i woke up late and my dad was already making steak and eggs. i could've taken the small chance he wouldn't serve me any to eat my own breakfast OR not make breakfast and eat the plate he was inevitably going to give me and just purge it later, so that's what i did. i hate purging so soon after i wake up because it leaves me so weak and dizzy for the rest of the day... i need to start taking my iron supplements again. oh speaking of i found these fish oil omega 3 vitamins in my mom's drawer and i've been meaning to get them since forever because they help with hair/nail growth so yippee for that.
back to what i was saying, since i could hardly move without feeling nauseous i literally just sat around all day and watched reels and i came across this cafe's videos... food porn should be illegalized because i was ready to whip up the fattest ice cream cereal nutella sprinkled concoction right there thanks to it... it had me craving sweets for the rest of the day which sucks because i was aiming to omad breakfast since it was so high cal. my dad ate a kind bar in front of me so i thought if i ate one too it'd kill the cravings. it didn't do shit.. i was very close to throwing the day and binging but luckily we had nothing... until i found these low cal stevia vanilla chips and remembered i had a low cal mug cake recipe saved! i tweaked it a little but it turned out pretty okay and managed to supress my cravings :)
i weighed in this morning and was at 111lbs thanks to water weight but i weighed again before bed and i'm back at 109.6lbs -_-. hopefully i'll lose more by tomorrow. the thing is water is really what gets me through the day especially when i'm restricting so heavily but it's become almost like a fear food now because i hate how it fucks up my weigh ins. :/ i wonder how other people with eds get around it? do they just not drink water or what...

entry 13 - 6.14

i want my legs to look like this
but there's no way my parents
won't send me back to ip :/ i'll
figure it out.. they aren't gonna
stop me lol

intake: 482kcal
    - mango green tea boba (130kcal)
    - shrimp soup (171kcal)
    - tuna salad (181kcal)

net: 482kcal

weight: 109.6lbs / 49.7kg
bmi: 17.2

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

look how low cal those meals are!!!! instead of depraving myself when i'm hungry and risking binging, i've decided to start making the low cal meals i have saved. i've also been wanting to focus a little more on protein instead of the junkorexic shit i've been doing, hence the fish. i was worried about how the shrimp soup would turn out but i threw in some spices and it tasted amazing. the tuna salad was even better! i'm proud of myself!!! i'm a chef!!!!!!!! it's a bit tedious though because i'm very nitpicky about not underestimating calories. i measured and weighed everything multiple times. it took me around an hour to make each, even though they were like 10 minute meals. 
i dropped my mom off at the airport and said goodbye :'( it's only two weeks and i'm going to miss her a lot.. but i'm happier she's able to go see her mom and sisters and spend eid with them. in the meantime i have to babysit because my dad is working and my oldest younger sister (is there a better phrase for that lol???) is kind of useless... i did well today though. i cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and made my younger siblings dinner. luckily whenever i do these things my brain likes to focus on the amount of cals i'll burn from moving around, thank you brain for allowing me to be productive.
anyways i'm thinking about how much i'll lose by the time my mom gets back? it's been almost 2 weeks and i've dropped ~11lbs / 5kg. if i drop that same amount i'll literally be at my goal weight... tbh my dad might notice but i doubt he'll say anything. i'm a little worried about bmi 16 because that's the point where i lose most of my extra face fat and it looks noticeably slimmer. my mom will definitely notice when that happens but i'll just try to excuse it with being so focused on babysitting? we'll see i guess. nighttt blog ♥

entry 12 - 6.13

oh to wake up bmi 16... praying i
lose a kilo by tmrw

intake: 630kcal
    - mango green tea boba (130kcal)
    - milk cream donut (500(?)kcal)

net: 630kcal

weight: 110.7lbs / 50.2kg
bmi: 17.3

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i somehow lost since yesterday. i expected to maintain because i think that's the most i've eaten in a good while but i'm not complaining lol. i'm really excited to hit bmi 16. i've had my boba so far and i'm gonna try not to eat anything else today :> i have my hopes for tomorrow but i don't wanna jinx anything so i won't say them... as unrealistic as they are. 
okay so end of day update. i actually ended up going out with my friend to accompany her while she ran errands and we went for donuts after... i have no idea how many cals they were :| i searched online everywhere and even emailed customer service so i'm just waiting on them to get back to me now. i logged it as max 500... i ended up purging it when i got home anyways but i want to be safe. i think i'll lose because i got a good amount of steps in and i was running around the house helping my mom finish packing since she leaves tomorrow. i'm going to sleep now because my stomach hurts really bad and it's 2am..... night blog.

entry 11 - 6.12

all i want is to look pretty and
tiny in shorts skirts and dresses.
a little secret as to why i relapsed
so badly was the way my legs
looked in one of my graduation
photos. literally threw me off the
edge

intake: ~1,800kcal
    - strawberry green tea boba (120kcal)
    - frittata (223kcal)
    - a bunch of shit from the store (max 1,800kcal)

net: ~1,500kcal

exercise: (-321kcal)
weight: 111.5lbs / 50.6kg
bmi: 17.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

another okay day... i ate like a pig but i also purged it and i was very active... i also bought a new scale! the old one might as well be a fucking artifact that thing is at least 100 years old like if you saw it you would know. and it was really janky and noisy which is why we'd keep it in the garage. i'd have to weigh myself 3 different times and keep adjusting it back to 0 to try and get an accurate weigh-in... i used my mom's trip as an excuse for why i bought a new one and told her it'd be much easier to weigh her luggage. she fell for it!!! >:D
i did weigh myself AFTER everything i ate today which tells me i may weigh less than what i thought? but it doesn't matter because i don't feel it... my legs are still big and my stomach isn't concave. fortunately i do see differences in my skin (don't get acne anymore.. even when i was on my period), i finally got rid of the extra arm fat, and my face fat has gone a bit as well. honestly i don't care for the numbers that much.. what's the use if i feel like i look the same. i feel big and disgusting whenever i look at myself in the mirror. i don't care if it takes me bmi 12 to start seeing a difference in my legs, if that's what it takes then so be it. luckily i have no more plans so i can finally get back to my starving.. actually i lied my friend is dragging me to the mall with her on monday but i'll force myself to restrict then. but that's also not for a few days. goodnight blog. 

entry 10 - 6.11

i have to pee. also once i'm bmi
16 i think i might start posting
bcs of myself instead of just
thinspo

intake: 630kcal
    - strawberry green tea boba (120kcal)
    - orange cake (~300kcal)
    - frittata (210kcal)

net: 630kcal

weight: 112lbs / 50.8kg
bmi: 17.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

today was okay. i had orientation for college and registered for my classes. there's a gym on campus which i think i'll start going to in the mornings before class or maybe even after. my job is also in the area. i'm kind of proud of how far i've come... college, job, gym, and skinny?!?!? anyways my mom brought me a slice of cake to eat after and i kinda had no other choice but to eat it. she brought me orange juice as well but i just didn't drink it. i have my water :] i took a nap when i got done and woke up at like 9pm. i wasn't planning on eating but i went down and decided to hell with it another 200 calories won't kill me... i don't like that mindset honestly but it also might help me from going crazy and binging? i'm just spewing excuses.
luckily i didn't gain anything since yesterday but that's also horrible because i'm stuck in this cycle of maintenance. i'm going to calculate how long it'll take if i'm consistent from now on... 

3500cals = 1lb

3500cals x -7lb = -24500 cal deficit

entry 9 - 6.10

you will never look like this and
you're only failing yourself.
you can't do it? or are you just
that weak?

intake: ???

net: i don't KNOW

weight: 112lbs / 50.8kg
bmi: 17.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i want to DIE. i skipped breakfast because i knew i was going out but then my mom urged me to eat this chicken potato thing my dad made... i left it on the table as if i forgot about it but then she came and BROUGHT IT TO ME and told me to eat. i'm so fucking stupid i should've just taken a bite or two to shake her off but i didn't!!!! i didn't finish it either but i'm so so so STUPID for not coming up with another plan. we ended up going to this boba cafe and catching up with my friend was great but i know she's struggled with an ed and i did not have it in me to even hint at mine with her... i ended up ordering the same as her which was a brown sugar milk tea and then she went and ordered a strawberry croffle for us to share.. which it was delicious and i only ate like 2 bites to not seem weird but i'm just so. i regret everything and i wanna strangle myself right here but i can't. i'm going to turn things around tomorrow for good. what happened today will not happen again. i can't let it... i need to be skinny i have to be skinny it's the only thing i want in life. i have something i have to do for college early in the morning so i'm going to sleep now.. goodnight blog.

entry 8 - 6.09

mood because i wanna die but i
can't until i'm this tiny.. also
just noticed a moth on my ceiling :|

intake: ~1,400kcals
    - mango boba (130kcal)
    - eggs (143kcal)
    - spicy mayo and celery (96kcal)
    - gyro (~600kcal)
    - glazed old fashion doughnut (367kcal)
    - lays barbecue chips (144kcal)

net: 1,400kcal :/

weight: 112lbs / 50.8kg
bmi: 17.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

UGH i don't know if it's considered a binge but i binged... my mom made me a gyros sandwich and when i said i wasn't hungry she told me i'd been telling her that all week. i knew if i argued i'd look suspicious so i gave up and ate it. i was so full and felt disgusting and even still i kept eating and had a doughnut and chips i genuinely want to kill myself. i'm also 90% sure i had a panic attack as i was mulling it over when coming up to my room. i'm anemic but this was different, i felt like i was outside of my body and everything was swaying and i was aware of what was happening but i couldn't control my body. i felt so afraid. i'm so down and my heart is still thumping and i feel like a fucking fatass and idk what to do. i did estimate the max cals i could've eaten to be safe and i calculated my tdee which is around 100 cals over what i logged. those 2 factors make me feel slightly better.... i'll have to see when i weigh myself tomorrow. i'm actually scarred from today i hope this serves my future self a reminder of what happens when you make poor decisions. 

at least i lost weight since yesterday! i'm down 8 pounds in a week which is pretty good i guess. i was also very active today instead of just bedrotting, so maybe i burned more than i think? i don't know... i'm especially worried because my sister and i have plans tomorrow with an old friend we're going to a restaurant. i'm going to try and skip breakfast and use my food knowledge to order something not too high in calories. we'll see what happens :/ night

entry 7 - 6.08

i lied when i said gn at the bottom
of this btw.. had to find thinspo
i liked for today's entry! but now
i'm going to sleep forreaaall.

intake: 606kcal
    - eggs (143kcal)
    - sauce thing (133kcal)

    - strawberry shortcake icecream (200kcal)

    - watermelon (130kcal)

net: 606kcal

weight: 114lbs / 52kg UFHHGHGHH
bmi: 17.9

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i've been kinda busy all day so i'm writing this at like... 4am lol. i made this spicy mayo egg thing for breakfast and practiced eating slowly and drinking between my bites. it actually filled me up really well and it tasted super good so i might make it again tomorrow. i was gonna omad but the ice cream truck came and i don't think i've seen it since BEFORE covid so me and my sister chased it down in the rain to buy some. the strawberry shortcake bar is literally so good but i felt guilty immediately after finishing it. i looked down at my thighs and could hear them asking me if it was worth it... i'm not even joking. maybe i'm going crazy.
ugh i'm just remembering i have to log this but my dad forced me to come down to eat watermelon even though i told him i wasn't hungry... he cut me like 4 bigass pieces why is he praying on my downfall..??? i only ate 2 of them but now i double regret eating the ice cream... ugh. 

now remember rainbow loom??? my mom was the store and bought me a box she found because i used to be obsessed with them. i've already made 4 and i realized they're another great way i can distract myself for when i feel like eating. i'm having so much fun doing the super complex designs that 10 year old me didn't have the patience for though. 
cutting this short because i seriously need to regulate my sleeping schedule. goodnight xoxo

entry 6 - 6.07

intake: 327kcal (est.)
    - egg (72kcal)
    - pancake (~200kcal)

    - syrup (~55kcal)

net: 327kcal

weight: 114lbs / 52kg
bmi: 17.9

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

my dad made breakfast this morning and woke me up to eat. i didn't really have a choice or good excuse so i just complied... idk about the calories i logged i feel like they're really off. it was probably like 600 total or something because it was a bigass pancake (i left a fourth of it). either way i'm deciding to omad it because i already feel fat from yesterday. i weighed myself a few hours later and still 114... yay. at least i didn't gain from how much i ate yesterday which tbh was more of just a normal day instead of a binge but it doesn't matter because it made me feel completely invalid.. at least all my cravings are gone.

personal log after a few days. i have a feeling two of my friends shit talk me behind my back and have been doing so for a while now... like 3+ years. i've grown distant from both now and when i felt it start i was making an effort to talk to them more and salvage the friendship but... :/ oh well. i'll call them deadweight and move on. one of them has always been kinda.. but i was really close with the other and we shared so many interests and have so many memories together, it blows but i'm gonna stop thinking about it now or else i'll feel sad and i don't really want to deal with feelings right now. i have my best friends at least..! the thing is they're both guys and there's nothing wrong with guy friends, we're really close and i love them more than anything but girl friendships are so important to me and i don't know why i keep losing them. i'm so jealous of people who have childhood friends or 10+ year friendships. i hope i find my circle in uni..

end of day now and i did it woooo. didn't eat a thing since breakfast. i binge watched a bunch of those korean diet vlogs where they drop like 5 kilos in a week and i got so much mealspo from them. will probably try one of them out tomorrow. going to sleep now.. night blog ♥

entry 5 - 6.06

exactly how i feel right now

 intake: ???
    - maple brown sugar oatmeal (160kcal)
    - apple cinnamon nutrigrain bar (130kcal)
    - mutton (?)

    - cookie (?)

    - pretzel sticks (240kcal)

    - another nutrigrain.. :/ (130kcal)

net: ???

exercise: n/a
weight: 114lbs / 52kg ig
bmi: 17.8

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

when i tell you i woke up on my deathbed today... 
it took me 10 minutes to get out of bed. i wobbled downstairs and couldn't even stand long enough to grab myself breakfast. i had my sister make me oatmeal and i had my joyba but i didn't log it because i ended throwing BOTH up and only drank 2 sips of the boba. i'm just gonna fully log the oatmeal as if i consumed it and the boba cals will just fall under i guess. i feel kind of better now so i had a nutrigrain bar too. i couldn't weigh myself at first either because we keep the scale in the garage but i couldn't even make it to the mudroom without falling over.. and now my mom is up so she'll see me if i go weigh. when i first woke up i thought it was a side effect of my intake so i was planning to up it to around 800-900 but since i threw up i think it's a virus or something. i'm gonna try low res again today and see if it's the same tomorrow. oh and on top of all that i started my period :l i think that's why my weight hasn't been decreasing.. sigh i'll push through this week and hopefully the following one i'll start seeing progress. 

ugh last night was shit. i tried to low res but my mom forced me to eat lunch and i told myself i might as well give into my cravings and get rid of them but no i was just being a fat pig. i'm never going to be skinny if i keep doing this. it's safe to say i ate at LEAST 1k calories :/

entry 4 - 6.05

this girl is my height and my gw of
43kg! her legs r perfect, i hope i look like
her at bmi 15

intake: 317kcal
    - strawberry lemonade green tea joyba (120kcal)
    - maple brown sugar oatmeal (160kcal)
    - coconut melona (28kcal) *logged 1/4

    - zapp's pretzel sticks (9kcal) *1 pretzel

net: 317kcal

exercise: didn't logggg
weight: 114lbs / 52kg
bmi: 17.9

notes: i bit the tip of the melona because i was craving something i just didn't know what. it was coconut so naturally it tasted disgusting and i ended up passing it off to my sister. i'm so mad at myself.. to think i almost ate an ice cream bar idk i'm losing control and i can't let that happen again.

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i only got like 4 hours of sleep last night and i know improper sleep affects metabolism so i think i'll take a nap then weigh again and i may update it... today was also the first day i started seeing the side effects of low res. i woke up and could barely walk straight or even see clearly. i was gonna do my usual joyba breakfast and go about my day but i knew it wasn't enough. i made oatmeal too since it's low cal and pretty filling along with the boba tea and that helped a lot. i should try to eat a healthier breakfast...

mid day check-in i woke up from my nap and weighed again and i only dropped a pound... i know i'm logging right but i don't get why i'm losing so slowly :/ my metabolism has never fucked itself over this quickly either. i've been rotting my brain with thinspo and numbers to stay motivated because i know consistency is key. i'm in a huge deficit it's only a matter of time before it shows

okayyyy and for my nightly check-in. i've just bed rotted since my last update. i was worried because my dad was supposed to make dinner but he and my mom ended up going out instead which is good. i went down and almost ate this canned ravioli but i stopped myself and ate a single pretzel stick to surpress my savory food cravings instead. i want more but i need to be disciplined and not give in to my urges. nothing in life comes for free and that includes looking hot!