entry 45 - 07.16

loll i need to kms because they're
like... perfect to me. like this is
what i want to look like but they're
BMI 13 UGGHGUFHJI and not even
high bmi 13 they're bmi 13.1 im so
sick i have to move out if i want
any chance of looking like this

intake: 1,166kcal

    - pudding w choco crisps (74kcal)
    - chicken nuggets and fries (256kcal)
    - mango boba (~60kcal)
    - ice cream bar (160kcal)
    - chicken pinwheels (547kcal)

net: 1,166kcal

weight: 102.7lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.1

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new LOW WEIGHTT YAYAYAY. i checked yesterday's entry and for some reason thought my intake was only like 400.... that kind of makes me feel better about today's intake though. i'm so dumb i had breakfast and then my mom made lunch, i told her i wasn't hungry but she asked i eat a small plate at least... i think she can see me getting smaller. i don't know if i overestimated but i really hope i did because it kills me when my intake goes over 1k. i snacked on the boba + ice cream after and told myself i just wouldn't eat after but then my dad decided to bring pinwheels home and gave them to my sister =_-. i had 1 1/2 but like ugh i shouldn't have eaten. i also hope i overestimated the cals but who am i kidding. i need to stop giving into my cravings... and start trashing food. i didn't exercise either like how am i so useless. this was all eaten before like 5pm so i haven't eaten since.. i didn't allow myself water either because i'm scared of water weight tomorrow... if my weight goes up a lot i feel like i'll def spiral. i wanna hit 100s by the weekend now but i need to lock in and do <500 each day so i think i won't have breakfast tomorrow. goodnight blogggg 

entry 44 - 07.15

this is all i want

intake: 711kcal

    - coffee yogurt (71kcal)
    - pancake w gelato (~465kcal)
    - tuna rice salad (~60kcal)
    - vanilla pudding (60kcal)
    - choco rice cakes (55kcal)

net: 711kcal

weight: 103.5lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.2

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FINALLYYYY BACK IN THE 103S omg i've been miserable all week... i think those lax gummies definitely helped. i'm kinda iffy about my intake today i wish i didn't snack at the end so i'd be under 700 but.. oh well. i'm gonna try to stay under 500 so if i feel like snacking at night i can without going over 600. anyways i had my yogurt then i went out with a friend (I DROVE :OOOOO) and we tried this new gelato place that opened and got this pancake gelato thing it was SOOOO good omfg. chatgpt estimated the cals of the whole thing to be like 700-800 and i ate about half but said i ate .6 of it to be safe... kinda kills me idk the exact cals but what can i do :/. my mom made dinner when i came home and i told her i was full so to only give me a little, she ended up eating in the living room so i got away with not finishing it. i think i only ate two bites while i thought she was watching me. i feel awful because it was really good and she used to make it a lot for me growing up but i literally couldn't bring myself to eat it... i took a photo and had chatgpt estimate the cals and it was saying 400 something like i just couldn't.. :( and i dropped today and need to be consistent so i can hit my gw by my birthday... 
i went out again to get groceries for my mom and found out they have sf pudding, the vanilla flavor was the lowest cal so i grabbed that one. i wasn't planning on eating it but i did because i'm stupid and when i got home i had cravings so i ate a few rice cakes. i need to stawp snacking it's so fat of me. i didn't even exercise to have eaten this much :S anyways i weighed again just now after peeing and i'm 103.5 again so hopefullyyyy i can hit a new lw tomorrow??? goodnight blog.. ♥

entry 43 - 07.14

rib cage.............. xlkdjvch

intake: 393kcal

    - coffee choco protein yogurt (73kcal)
    - halo top chocolate ice cream (320kcal)

net: 393kcal

weight: 104.9lbs / 47..6kg
bmi: 16.4

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okay writing this entry on tomorrow's day loll... but i have an excuse this time my mac's charger stopped working and i was in a bad mood. now i'm on this janky hp.. it's actually fine i use it for playing games but i miss my mac it's just so sleek... but whatever this will do. 
i ate like nothing yesterday omg waking up nearly bmi 17 the day before SHOOK me i had to lock in... idk what that was but thankfully i woke up back in the 104s. for breakfast, i made myself coffee yogurt again but w/ chocolate protein powder and it tasted really good. after i drove MYSELF !!!! it was just me and my sister but we went to the store and bought halo top ice cream which is WORTH THE HYPE!! i got the chocolate mocha chip one and it tastes like regular chocolate ice cream.. i was being fat and finished the whole pint but i'm like.. it's okay since i didn't eat anything else. my sister got cookies and cream i think which is also really good, just it tastes a  little more yogurt-y? rather than like ice cream. i stayed up really late redoing my ios homescreen but it's soo cute now D: i'm obsessed with it.. it was a good day!!! goodnight blog <3

entry 42 - 07.13

her rib cage is SO TINY wtf man
i need to look like that..

intake: 915kcal

    - coffee yogurt (45kcal)
    - strawberries (15kcal)
    - eggplant fries (~855kcal)

net: 821kcal

exercise: 94kcal
weight: 107.6lbs / 48.8kg
bmi: 16.9

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FINALLYYY CAUGHT UP. it's good i did it today because todayssss entry isn't fucking boring. okay first off i don;'t know how the fuck i gained that much and it's freaking me out bad... i'm gonna take a lax tomorrow because it only went down to 106 by the end of today. i think it could be water weight because i drank like 4 or 5 liters yesterday..?? also i only got like 5 hours of sleep because today i FINAALLLY started work!!!! i woke up at 5:30am not even intentionally.. i set my alarm for 8 like ??? i could'nt fall back asleep so i just started my day. i had yogurt and decided to mix it with coffee which i am literally a genius for because who wants to drink bitter black coffee.. i put the usual amnt i'd put as if i were drinking it and then like 1/2 tbsp of hot water to dissolve it then threw it into the yogurt and mixed. it was SO GOOD i'm so proud of myself for it. i ate some strawberries with it as well. work was very chill i learned how to do everything and the girl who trained me was a sweetheart !!! i have some weirdo coworkers but they're not like bad.. just oddballs. i'll call the nice one lizzie. lizzie is also kinda thinspo but not like ed thin... you can tell she eats well but also moves around just as much. she kept asking if i wanted to eat anything and i felt like she was clocking me so i was like ok yeah i'll put something in. i wanted to try their eggplant fries but i didn't realize how BIG they'd be. i ate them all and kinda freaked out because i already used the bathroom and would look sus as fuck if i asked immediately after eating, especially at the weight i am.. so i couldn't purge it. i didn't eat anythingg when i got home and went for a walk which i cut short at like 45min bc it's literally 100 degrees out??? i miss going on walks daily but i can't because it's just so fucking hot :/ i had to take a break and sit in the shade bc i was literally about to pass out. when i got back i just laid in bed and acted tired so my parents wouldn't make me eat. i was moving a lot at work so i think i burnt a lot more cals than i logged but idk.. we'll see tmrw. i'm going to sleep FORREALLL now i seriously need to regulate it so my metabolism stops playing with me... 107.6 is nasty work BMI 16.9 ?????? so i'm FAT? goodnight blog..

ALSOOO the eggplant fries cals .. i have no idea if that's accurate or not i may have highballed it but idk i need to be safe... the menu doesn't have cals which is just great so i'm gonna study everything on it and pick out the low cal options before my next shift.

entry 41 - 07.12

please please can i look this small
in baggy clothing

intake: 546kcal

    - like a 20g piece of steak (28(?)kcal) 
    - protein yogurt bowl (198kcal)
    - ravioli (320kcal)

net: 546kcal

weight: 104.8lbs / 47.5kg
bmi: 16.4

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slightly up again but i binged "binged" i guess so >>>> okay. i barely ate this day my mom gave me this steak to try and i told her i wasn't hungry and had an egg for breakfast but i'd try some to shake her off.. which btw is such a good hack like she doesn't suspect me because i still try stuff and eat in front of her... anyways after i DROVE to the store MYSELF!!!! I DROVEEEE and i bought greek yogurt so i can finally make low cal yog bowls and the one i made was SOOO GOODD!!!!!! and FILLING. i blended it with ice to give it more volume. for dinner i had a can of ravioli bc i was craving meat... i keep craving the chicken i had at that korean place omfg it's heavenly forreal i could omad it everyday. aanywaasy end of entry I JUST HAVE TODAYS NOW phewww goodnight blog <33

entry 40 - 07.11

her lesgsgsgsgsg i need to stare
at more bmi 15 thinspo bc the 
bmi 13s rabbithole i went down
seriously fucked my head up..
ik i say i wanna kms a lot but
genuinely i don't really wanna die..

intake: ~1,600kcal

    - fried egg w spinach (72kcal)
    - yogurt bowl (356kcal)
    - coconout pineapple sparkling water (5kcal)
    - coffee caramel candy (8kcal)
    - dinner + binge (~1,200k)

net: ~1,400kcal

exercise: 236kcal
weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4

notes: OMG I FORGOT I BINGED THIS DAYAYYYY FUCKK OFF

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

entry 40 is kind of crazy i'm actually being consistent omg.. okay i was pissed as hell i maintained but it kind of makes sense bc my sleeping was AWFUL i was going to bed at like 5am and waking up at 7am then staying up for an hour and going back to bed until 2pm..... like bitch. after i finish these entries i'm literally going to sleep and i'm gonna try and wake up at like 10ish bc this shit needs to STAWWWP. anyways i woke up and my mom asked me to make her something for breakfast bc she's on a diet so i made her the egg wraps i was making a bit ago. i was planning on not eating but i cracked an extra egg thinking she'd want 2 but she didn't.... so i just ate it myself bc it'd look weird if i wasted it. i made a yogurt? smoothie ?? bowl after with random yogurt i found in the fridge for like 100cals bc we didn't have greek yogurt, ice and chocolate protein powder. it tasted sooo good i added in strawberries and biscoff as well !!! i went for a walk after which was like 70 min and i was MAD because my watch tracked NONE OF MY CALORIES. i went on like 40 different online calculators + chatgpt to be exact. omg i forgot i binged okay so my mom made chicken tajine for dinner which was soo good and i was like okay.. i'll stop there... but then she brought out these moroccan cookies and i ate like 6 and i just kept. omfg... actually counting everything in my head now it was prob around 1200? total....???? plus the 196 my net would've been something like 1400 which. nvm. is horrendous but it was definitely way below my tdee for that day esp because of the longer walk. AGHHH i didnt gain the next day thooo goodnight blog. (2 more entries....)

entry 39 - 07.10

no clue if this is real but i kinda
don't care i want it for myself...

intake: 801kcal

    - chocolate icecream (160kcal)
    - 1 chicken nugget (49kcal) ??
    - choco pudding (100kcal)
    - choco rice cakes (76kcal)
    - random snacks (16kcal)
    - cheesecake (~400kcal)

net: 801kcal

weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm stupid af i didn't write my entries for like 4 days in a row because i've been so BUSY. it's july 13th and i'm gonna speed run all of these AUGGHGHH. nothing interesting though bc i've literally fluctuated through 104s the whole time and i literally don't know why???? anyways i didn't gain from all the donuts.. i mean i did but barely. i think my episode and the workout helped lol. umm i woke up so late this day and i watched mukbangs for like 3 hours..... i remember my insta and youtube feed were like overtaken with that shit too i had to do a cleanse bc i knew it was inevitably going to cause me to binge if i didn't. you can TELL too lol the way half my intake is just chocolate flavored stuff.. anyways i was at like 400 for the day but then my dad brought cheesecake for me specifically and i was like... okay. i have no idea what the cals are but i think 400 seemed fair for the size. night blog.!!! 
(kidding i have 3 more entries to write....)

entry 38 - 7.09

today's thinspo is taengoo
because she cheers me up and
i am on the verge of suicide

intake: 1,697kcal

    - oatmeal (187kcal)
    - gyros sandwich (459kcal)
    - random snacks (9kcal)
    - donuts -__- (1,042kcal)

net: 1,212kcal

exercise: 485
weight: 104.3lbs / 47.3kg
bmi: 16.4

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm dropping so slowly but i can't even complain because i keep eating like a fucking fatass. today was so horrible i feel like ending my life. i can't be trusted to leave my house because wtf. i was doing well until i went out with my mom and told her i was craving donuts.. we went to this shop and she got a DOZEN. I was expecting to just get one and leave??? i ended up eating FOUR and as soon as she said we were getting them i knew i was gonna binge and already PLANNED TO PURGE BUT IM SO FUCKIGN STUPIDDDDDDD IT WOULDN;'T COME UP. i maybe got HALF a donut up. i felt so disgusting and shitty and i checked my watch to see my total burned today and it was 1,200... meaning i'd eaten 400 MORE THAN WHAT I BURNED TOTALLY... i genuinely started fucking panicking i went to our home gym and used the elliptical for like an hour... apparently i burned 485 calories but that is NOTHING compared to what i ate i literally WANT TO DIE. i'm never eating out again it's literally the source of all my problems.. i'm meal planning for tomorrow because God. this is awful. i'm skipping breakfast or only eating an egg then idk i'll figure it out. no more of this bs omfg. i'm also gonna fake sick and mope in my room all day because my stomach DOES hurt from purging then exercise purging immediately after... also my legs are sore as FUCK. it doesn't matter i'm forcing myself to go on a walk and then i'm gonna exercise in my room or something... bruh i have to get it together this is horrible i'm going to be fat on my birthday i have exactly 3 weeks to get to my goal weight and it's looking so bad :( i will do it. i can do it. please please please goodnight blog.

entry 37 - 7.08

my friend came over to hang out today
and we were lying like. on our backs 
with our legs up against the wall and
my thighs looked slim!?!?!? but my calves..
walking has made them so big i'm gonna
kms :/ i need to lose more

intake: 1,045kcal

    - oatmeal (187kcal)
    - chocolate pudding (107kcal)
    - wingstop (~500kcal)
    - 5 chocolate chips (8kcal)
    - coffee caramel candy (8kcal)
    - mango green tea boba (150kcal)
    - cookie (85kcal)

net: 1,045kcal

weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

losing weight i've already lost is so tedious.. i'm so mad at myself for those 2 days but what can i do :/ i kinda overrate today as well. the hunger has been so bad lately idk what to do. i've been drinking lots of water and eating low cal snacks instead of binging but like i just wanna starve in bliss.. ugh and i didn't even work out today like i'm genuinely so useless. i had oatmeal and ate it with an egg for the protein, but it also made it reallyy creamy so it tasted good. i took a nap because i woke up early (again!!! and i literally slept at like 3am last night) when i woke up i had pudding bc God i was starving for some reason. i was so hungry and bored the whole day. i asked my friend over but she had work so she didn't come over until late... i ended up doordashing wingstop because i was on my phone and my whole feed was fucking food porn like.. i basically b/ped it i ate 8 wings and i think i got up around 4..?? 8 total is ~720cals and if i purge within 30min apparently i only ingest 1/3 so 2/3 of 360cals (4 wings) is 240 BASICALLY ate 480cals worth? i rounded up to 500 to be safe though.. i STILL had cravings the rest of the day though??? i ate like 5 chocolate chips and this moroccan cookie and when my friend came over she asked if we could make the boba mix so i was like.. sure okay. i regret it saur bad my intake would've been 1k if i didn't... whatever though. goodnight blog ♥

entry 36 - 7.07

this soudns kinda ??/ but i was wondering
why my stomach didn't concave like this
i think it's literally just that my ribs aren't
big enough to create that illusion ?? and 
that my stomach DOES go in just not like
this...

intake: 618kcal

    - low cal choco cake mix (170kcal)
    - 4 cheese pizza (~400kcal)
    - coffee caramel candy (8kcal)
    - chocolate rice cakes (48kcal)

net: 618kcal

weight: 104.8lbs / 47.5kg
bmi: 16.4

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

okayy i barely lost but phew it's better than nothing. i'm soo tired so i'm gonna try to wrap this up quickly. i woke up and had the chocolate cake it's just this microwavable brownie kinda thing - SOOO GOOD. i had it with the sf salted caramel syrup i bought yesterday and omg it tasted amazing. i showered after and my dad brought pizza which i was trying to avoid but whatever i guess. i took the thinnest slice and genuinely, i think it could've only been like 300 cals MAX, plus i purged some of it. but i'm overestimating to be safe... it was this olive oil 4 cheese basil tomato pizza, also reallyyyy good but like. calories... even though 400 was an overestimate i decided not to eat anything because i didn't feel like exercising. although i did deep clean my room and vaccuum which my watch says i burnt like 300cals doing so.. i took the coffee candy w/ my zinc vitamin because i hate how pills taste and didn't wanna feel sick and then i had a few of the rice cakes since they're literally like 6 cals each and i was STARVINGGG. i still am but it's pointless to eat this late when i can just sleep. anyways another successful day!!! goodnight blog! ♥

entry 35 - 7.06

me and my cat soon..

intake: 313kcal

    - biscoff (31kcal)
    - turkey sandwich (189kcal)
    - mini sugar cookie (80kcal)
    - mango sparkling water (5kcal)
    - coffee w sf syrup (0kcal)
    - coffee caramel candy (8kcal)

net: 116kcal

exercise: 197kcal
weight: 105.2lbs / 47.7kg
bmi: 16.5

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

i'm so upset i gained THAT MUCH like i seriously wanted to cry this morning. i took a few deep breaths and told myself maybe i'm building muscle and that's why??? and it could've been water weight because i CHUGGED my water bottle last night. we'll go with that to keep me sane... but either way i need to keep going lol only thing worse than 2 awful days is 3 awful days.. i locked in today! i skipped breakfast and kinda only ate something if it was offered to me. i was out with my mom and she kept offering me snacks which i'd deny until she gave me a biscoff and i agreed bc i know how many cals they are and i didn't want her to get suspicious... when we got home she made me and her a turkey sandwich and tHANK GODDD she cut it in half so what could've been like 400 cals was just under 200. she gave me this cookie thing to try as well - i only ate it bc of how tiny it was. literally the size of a grape. i may have overestimated but better safe than sorry. i went for my walk after and bought the sparkling water which i finished at home instead of eating dinner. today was a good day !!! 
i went shopping too and bought new vitamins (magnesium, apple cider vinegar and more biotin lol) along with this super cute skirt + top set which only JUST fit me but will look literally amazing on me when i'm at my ugw. i got this cute top as well which i'm excited to pair with shorts when my legs are Tiny tiny tiny. :DDD i also bought sugar free syrup because these bigass bottles were like $4 and i can add it to things like greek yogurt or egg whites for a sweet and super low cal snack... and then i got one of those at-home boba packet things because I'VE MISSED having boba so much and they're only like 150cals each. plssplsp i need to lose tomorrow... goodnight blog ♥

entry 34 - 7.05

this photo ruined my life whenever
i stand beside someone smaller
than me i'm going to think of it
which is why i need to be the 
smallest person ever no matter
what

intake: 1,516kcal fml lol

    - msemen (268kcal)
    - protein yogurt w/ biscoff (213kcal)
    - airhead (10kcal)
    - korean food (1,025kcal)

net: 910kcal

exercise: 606kcal
weight: 103.9lbs / 47.1kg
bmi: 16.3

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

lol LOLLL 2 DAYS IN A ROW OVER 1K IM LITERALLY GONNA KILL MYSELF. i woke up and my mom gave me breakfast which i ate SLOWLY in between bites of water but when i tried to purge it it wouldn't come up?????? so i was like okay i have work later i'll walk now to burn it off... so i did - i walked for an hour and when i got home, i made myself yogurt thinking it'd get me through my shift but then they called and told me the place isn't actually going to open today!!!!!!!!! i was so mad because i was gonna starve and work and burn cals and get a million steps in but okay! so i went out with my friends instead because they already had plans and we ate at this restaurant and i fed the photos to chatgpt and it told me i ate like 1k.... AT THE RESTAURANT ALONE. ??? i'm so. omg. fortunately i purged these hotteok pancakes we had so apparently my intake is ~100 less and around 1400... which means my net is basically under 1000??????? I HOPE???? when i got home i went straight to the treadmill and did 30min 8% incline and 3.5mph and 4mph for like 10ish minutes. i wanted to go longer but the exercise stuff is near my parent's room and my dad kicked me out. it's still only 9pm so i'm going to try and workout more because i feel sick to my stomach at the fact i ate that much i am literally going to kill myself ??? 
okay, so i danced for a little then did these leg exercises from the same girl the ab exercises are from - i'll link both below - and i'm still over 1k net. midnight isn't for another hour so i'm going to do more dances or something to burn off more. idk my legs are so sore but i cannot keep plateauing like this plus i weighed myself just now and i'm like 106 :(...
i danced for like another hour and burnt 146 active cals I THINK IT WAS MORE... literally like 20 minutes weren't tracked bc my fuckass watch kept pausing the workout on it's own for NO REASON? i'm like sore but i'm not even tired i kind of understand people who work out now.. like i could keep going and tbh i just might. it's about to hit 12am though so i'm going to sign off here. goodnight blog.

entry 33 - 7.04

i need to look like this

intake: ~1,400kcal ???

    - beef egg sandwich (530kcal)
    - briwat (3 total) (580kcal)
    - cupcake (280kcal)
    - coffee caramel candies (16kcal)

net: 1,249kcal

exercise: 151kcal
weight: 103.9lbs / 47.1kg
bmi: 16.3

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

omg today was fucking kshfdjsdkj i don't even know how to feel about it. everything that could've happened to make me lose my mind happened.. first i woke up at like 104.6??? i was like that CANNOT be right but i also remembered i drank a lot of water the night before.
my mom's plane landed today so i was cleaning the house up to make it nice for her when she came back. i skipped breakfast and didn't eat anything all morning and weighed myself again and i was 103.9 .... which like. okay. i wanted to drop though.. i picked her up from the airport with my dad and she didn't say anything about my weight at first which stung and i moped about it the whole ride home but when i was helping bring luggage into the house she told me i lost some weight. JUST SOME? okay. that's fine.. i'll lose more. she kept making remarks about how i looked skinny and pale and i was kind of freaking out. she made me a plate of food that she brought for me to eat and i ate all of it hoping she'd lay off - and she did. but i regret it so bad. not gonna lie i may have heavily overestimated but i'm better safe than sorry. after i logged everything i had a fucking episode. i actually tried purging first but NOTHING WOULD COME UP. i felt sick and bloated and i literally wanted to die. i was freaking out and did this random ab exercise then paced around my room for like 70 minutes because it was like 9pm at this point and too dark to go out. after what i thought was 10 minutes i checked the time and realized i'd been pacing for an hour.. that isn't even that much though... i'm so fat and disgusting omg what am i gonna do now that my mom is here and i have two parents trying to sabotage and drill food into me. please i wanted to reach 100lbs this week but i don't think it's gonna happen... if i don't hit it by the 9th i'm genuinely going to cry because i'm not even on my period to have my weight loss be this stagnant.. goodnight blog :(

entry 32 - 7.03

omg crazy she's bmi 15.2 if
i look like her at that point
maybe i won't have to drop to 
14s

intake: 744kcal

    - egg drop soup (309kcal)
    - steak & potatoes (392kcal)
    - sf coffee caramel candy (8kcal)
    - buttercream frosting (35kcal)

net: 613kcal

exercise: 131kcal
weight: 103.3lbs / 46.9kg
bmi: 16.2

≽^•༚• ྀི≼

today was a looong day lol i woke up at like 6am after sleeping at like 3.. i was exhausted but i went to see if i'd lost any weight and i was back at 103.9.. i watched diet vlogs for a little and one of them mentioned how lack of sleep slows your metabolism and i was like okay yeah and went back to sleep and when i woke up again i was 103.3!!!! thank you diet vlog epiphany. 
i made egg drop soup for breakfast and lowkey failed also idk why mine turned out to be so high cal lmfaoo the recipe said like 80cals.. but it tasted exactly like it and it was SOOO filling. like i was FULL!!! today was also my sister's birthday and she wanted to make cupcakes so i walked to the grocery store to get what we needed (also so i could get up off my ass and start walking again omg). i kept licking the frosting as we made them so i logged it as like half a tbsp? my dad made dinner again but it's kind of working out? he's usually at work for breakfast/lunch so i'll eat something lowish cal and when he makes dinner it's like 500cals max. that usually takes me to like 800 which is still a big deficit, especially if i go on a walk that day. the only thing i need to get better at is portion control. i've gotten good at discipline and not eating something even if it's tempting but in situations where i HAVE to i always end up finishing my plate.. 
i bought a bunch of low cal snacks when i went out too. i always crave something sweet at night and end up eating like 3-4 tums since they're like 5 cals per tablet. idk if that's bad for me but it's also such a waste i was like might as well get a low cal candy i can actually eat - which are those caramel werther candies!!! they're like 8cal per and taste amaaazzzinggg. i've also been craving chocolate like fucking hell so i bought pudding (100cals) and chocolate flavored rice cakes which are around 9cals each. i also got this low calorie brownie mix but i think im gonna save it for one of those days where there's nothing in the house and i'm hungry and on the verge of binging.... goodnight blog.

entry 31 - 7.02

sunmi's legs look so thin
here.!!! she's one of my fav
thinspo's in kpop. also i've
realized i've basically rotted
my brain because i'll see really
underweight people and think
they look healthy? apparently
i look really thin but i literally
cannot see it i still feel like my
original fat 120lb self..
dysmorphia is genuinely sick

intake: ~841kcal

    - choco chip banana pancakes (251kcal)
    - mini chocolate bar (160kcal)
    - strawberry banana smoothie (~430kcal)

net: 841kcal

weight: 104.6lbs / 47.4kg
bmi: 16.4

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i gained i want to kill myself ughhhh maybe i logged the shrimp wrong yesterday :(. i was planning to lock in today and walk but i took a shower before and didn't feel like getting sweaty and sticky so i didn't again -_-. i woke up and made myself the pancakes and the texture and shape was horrendous they looked sooo sad BUT they tasted amazing so i think it was worth it. i've been craving chcolate like crazy lately which is so bad... i ate another mini ice cream right after so my intake was like 400 before the day even started. i was gonna stop there or something but my dad made a smoothie which had me stressed ALL the way out. omg he was like watching as i drank it it's sick.. i purged as much as i could of it and felt worn out after so i took a nap for like 3hrs. i woke up at around 9ish and cleaned the kitchen and told myself i'd let myself eat an ice cream or have brown sugar oatmeal but i decided against it because i had no idea how many cals the smoothie was. i was literally stressing so hard thinking i drank like 2000 cals and i was gonna gain all my weight back but i put everything my dad used into chatgpt and it says the total for the WHOLE thing was like 1.3k and i only drank about 300... i rounded it to 400 though to be safe but also because ughhh idk. idk. i hope i wake up lighter tomorrow. 
i noticed my jawline is back and i'm soo happy about it. i feel like i have a really pretty face but i had 'off' days at my normal weight where i'd just look.. idk weird i guess. but i've felt so pretty lately. my eyes are kinda normal sized but also slightly big but with the weight i've dropped they stand out so much more :). my nose looks smaller lips look fuller.. things are going right!!! falling into place!!! just need to be my goal weight. then ugw. PRAYYY. goodnight blog ♥

entry 30 - 7.01

need to look this tiny in a tee..
lowkey wish i was shorter bc
part of my ed stems from wanting
to be tiny but o well

intake: 890kcal

    - lemon ginger green tea (9kcal)
    - sauteed vegetables chicken salad (273kcal)
    - 1 biscoff (38kcal)
    - 1 funion (10kcal)
    - shrimp pil pil (~560kcal)

net: 890kcal

weight: 103.9lbs / 47.1kg
bmi: 16.3

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i LOSTTTTTTT IM SO HAPPY I'M LOSING CONSISTENTLY. i rarely drop full points though so i think i'm gonna be low 103s tomorrow? i made an edtwt again which i already regret because i'm antisocial and idk people on there weird as hell but whateva. that chinese diet tea is trending again and i realized i hAVE IT because my dad bought it for me around a year ago.. it's literally a lax i remember it'd give me diarrhea for 3 days but i forgot how bad it was omg. i've been constipated for like 3wks yet i went to the bathroom like 8 times today....... living hell forreal but whatever i needed the detox.
my intake is so high today i feel disgusting.. i'm going to start walking again tomorrow because this is sick and i could be losing faster. i made the salad and it was amazing + so filling for literally under 300 cals which is a miracle. but then my dad made dinner again -_-. he was telling me how he made it so i looked at the ingredients and kinda estimated how much it was? it's like 511 but i'm gonna go with my original guess which was 400 for the dish (or at least what i ate) + 160 for the bread.. God that is so much wtf. goodnight blog. ♥