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| wony's arm here is perfect.. i miss my skinny arms and flat stomach. i'm so round and my torso is so wide and my legs are huge i'm disgusting |
- i couldn't even tell you
net: ???
exercise/steps: 303kcal
weight: 114.6lbs / 52kg
bmi: 18.5
≽^•༚• ྀི≼
oh blog. i genuinely want to kill myself. i can't do this. i'm so fucking big. i did weigh myself after eating a shit ton so i pray to God i'm not actually that big but i've been seriously freaking out ever since i weighed. so much has happened. i think i've developed BED... i just eat and eat and for some reason i can't stop? that has to be my mindset... i can fix it. i will fix it. only fat fucking pigs can't control themselves. i also stopped purging. i eat and i go 'oh i won't gain' for some reason? i tell myself it's good i stopped purging but that's so fucking untrue. the less food in my body the better. i'm literally going to start crying over my legs though. i was so beautiful before, i was fat and i still looked a million times better. i was wearing skirts and shorts out but now i'm back to square one with my hideous fat legs. i look horrible, i'm so disgusted in myself.
even now my mom called telling me she brought a cookie and i hear her downstairs meaning she's come home and all i can think about is the cookie. it's on the tip of my tongue and i can feel myself salivating. i'm such a dog. i've become addicted to food i can't stop thinking about it. :( this ends tomorrow though. it's currently 11pm but i'm locking in i HAVE to. i have no choice.
i'm seeing riize at MAMA next month in LA and i'm beyond excited but i need to look SKINNY. i have no clue how i'm going to do it when i gained so fucking much but i'll figure it out because i need to be thin. i don't care if riize don't see me in the crowd i just need it for my ego... for the concerning stares, for everything. cali girls are fucking thin and i need to be thinner. is that fucking cookie worth it when i look like a fat hog in front of my favorite group? when i can't wear the cute outfit i have planned because i'm so disgusting? right.
i've started uni as well.... it was going good. SO good. i get so many steps and i met a friend (who is lowkey kind of annoying sorry........) but i stick with her because we walk each other to class and i need the company i'm afraid. however for about 2 weeks now i've become severely burnt out which is fucking bad because i have midterms coming up and just over a month before semester finals. i have so much work even now but i can't focus since i look like a pig. i don't even want to go to school tomorrow because of how big i am but that's not a choice :( school has to come first. i'm going to lock in i will..!!!!!! i missed you blog. things will get better. i'm going to lose so much weight and be the skinniest ever. i'll hit 98lbs again and drop lower. i'll hit 95 then 90 then 85. i have self control, i have discipline, i will be skinny.
goodnight blog